At the Accreditation and Missioning Ceremony at Saint Ignatius of Loyola Parish, Thursday May 24, 2012, Reta Defosses, Director of the Ignatian Spirituality Centre of Montreal, counselled us to do three things:
Meet with a Spiritual Director; meet with a Supervisor; make an Annual Retreat.
What can be the fruit of a Retreat? is a question I will answer by taking you along with me, through my journal entries, on a Retreat I made a couple of years ago...
BEYOND EXPECTATIONS
Ignatian Prayer Retreat
Conducted by
Father Timothy M. Gallagher OMV
Manoir D'Youville, Châteauguay
May 7-9th, 2010
Retreat May 7, 2010
Friday evening, 8:15pm Zacchaeus Luke 19:5, 9
"Come down, for I must stay at your house...salvation has come to this house."
I felt touched, loved.
The Lord speaks about His coming to me and inviting me years ago, salvation coming to my house.
(He has my home, heart, life now)
Thank You, Lord.
Retreat May 8, 2010
Saturday morning, 9:25am
Why are you Afraid? Matthew 8:23-27, Jesus Stills the Storm
Jesus was asleep.
Again, very peaceful.
I felt the tiredness, but deep Peace of Him.
It was my tiredness.
Scriptures for weekend are mine:
"Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
"Only in the Lord be at rest O my soul, for from him comes thy salvation."
(received as a young girl)
Book, Discovering Your Personal Vocation, by Herbert Alphonso.
(My life is prayer, prayer is my life)
(He has put this in place for me, what I said No to when I was young)
Retreat Saturday 11am
Mark 5:24-34
The Courage to tell Jesus everything
A woman Healed
I cried. I made my way through. It was loud, scary. I have been trying to tell them but couldn't, felt prevented.
I remembered when I was a young girl. I was on a retreat with my school, Holy Names.
I knew God was calling me to be a nun.
"Only in the Lord be at rest O my soul, for from him comes thy salvation."
on a (Holy) card.
Reality - heading back home. I cried. I talked to the Lord. I said No. And I remember how childish I felt about my response. I knew He was calling me and I knew I was saying No.
"I want to have boyfriends" I said.
For years I thought that what happened in my life was punishment, for a life lived apart from God's will.
(At 21, I entered into a marriage that I knew was wrong, forced; I suffered much abuse until my parents came to take me and my two young children home with them)
The only place I knew was good was when God put Jack in my life.
He knows this too.
Confession of a sin of long ago, forgiving myself (for saying No). Acknowledging that this was a call, and that I had said No, and, that God has redeemed my life, and provided a safe place for me.
"Daughter,
your faith has made you well.
Be healed of your dis-ease."
Amen.
Please dear Lord set me free,
Heal me and make me whole.
Call was denied. This is what comes to me as I pray for wisdom, how to see this through God's eyes. So much has transpired since that time, so much pain. Would the Lord heal this now? I had not ever acknowledged this denial as pain, but it seems to be a thread that has run through my life...rejection. Is this how God felt when I said No? Is this what God felt when I said No? But He has redeemed my life. and I am doing what He called me to do so many years ago. (healing ministry and other things come to me) I can freely choose. I know this.
'My life is Yours, do with me what you will' is my constant prayer.
Is the Lord bringing my heart into a right place?
Retreat Saturday 2pm
Spiritual Reading
The woman at Jesus' feet.
Luke 8:36:50
"Her sins, which were many, have been forgiven." v 47a
"hence she has shown great love." v 47b
I entered the scene (in the Scripture), and Jesus said to me that I have to let go of this one sin now. It has become a 'hook' for the enemy. I have to forgive myself.
What I heard was a story:
'There was a ship and many people wanted to get on the boat. Would you leave room for someone else if there was room for only one? That is what you did. What you could not do, another did. And I came looking for you, I came back for you.
Forgive yourself.
I have forgiven you.'
Lord please bless me with the Grace to forgive myself.
In Jesus' Name. Amen.
Confession.
Retreat Saturday 5-6:15pm
(I went to see Father Gallagher)
Scripture Luke 4:16:21
I went to Confession. What a joy. It was hard to talk about, but easy at the same time. I spoke of when I was a young girl, the feeling I had in Church, and at the retreat, that I told no one. The decision and the conversation with God. I also shared about how my whole life changed, from innocence to horror.
I had been forgiven a lot, but I had never forgiven myself (for saying No to God).
The hymn that kept coming to me after was:
"Mercy is falling, is falling, is falling,
Mercy is falling like sweet spring rain..."
On praying with Scripture, this is what happened:
I entered the synagogue with the Lord.
He took me to His place. They gave Him the scroll and He passed it to me, and directed me to read. I read and then we sat down. The words, 'all eyes were on us' came to me. And then Jesus said 'This day this Scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.'
Thank You Lord.
Retreat Saturday evening 7pm
Jesus gives His Life
Luke 23:26-49
The part (of the Scripture) I stayed with was when the soldiers cast lots for His clothes. They were going for the temporal treasure and the Word of Life was before them. The new garment of life, that we receive at Baptism.
Foolish, and what loss to themselves.
Retreat Sunday 9:15am
Woman in Tears
John 20:1, 11-18
Mary Magdala
I entered (the Scripture) and Jesus asked me what I wanted, what I was looking for. He took me by the hand and led me out.
John 21:1-19
The Lord took my hand, invited me to come into the Scripture. This is what He has said a few times now.
We were on the shore. He asked me what I had. I had a few small fishes and we cooked them. I saw the disciples fishing in their boat.
He said to me a few times:
'Out of your poverty, you have given much.'
Thank You Lord.
And we are pleased. I am pleased seeing the disciples fishing.
I stand hand in hand on the shore as He calls to them.
Then again we are alone and He is speaking of the few fishes.
'Out of your poverty
you have given much.'
What can I say before this?
What can I say?
(Following the Retreat)
May 10, 2010 I have come full circle.
Main message received from the Conference: Beyond Expectations
Up to the age of 16, I had a deep love for spiritual things, I loved learning about religion in school, I think it was my favourite class. I loved going to the Church on Fridays, walking there with the class, and going to confession, then doing the Stations of the Cross.
I went on a retreat with my high school class and during that weekend, it became clear that the Lord was calling me to be a nun. I was happy about this. However, when it was time to go, waiting for the bus, it was like I was crossing a threshold back to the world and I spoke to the Lord, saying, "I know that you are calling me to be a Sister, but I'm sorry, I'm going to say No. I want boyfriends." I remember feeling very sad and knowing clearly I was saying No to Him, and feeling very childish and selfish in my choice. I remember telling Him I was sorry.
(A few years ago, my mom said that I had come home and said that I might want to be a nun; everyone thought this was amusing, and didn't take it seriously; I don't remember this)
Years later the Lord is showing me that He has redeemed my life. He blessed me with two beautiful children, and in His Grace, blessed me with a wonderful husband.
He has shown me that all that I am feeling called to do today, is what He would have called me to do as a nun: the healing ministry, Legion of Mary, Spiritual Direction, etc.
He has redeemed my life.
Even though I said No, He has put things in place for me. He has put Jack in my life. He blessed me with my children.
Thank you Lord.
Song, Mercy is Falling - Album, Hello Kids
Photo taken of me at the Crowning of Mary...
