What is Spiritual Desolation?

March 26, 2012 (journal entry of my examen prayer)


It is Sunday, a day of rest I thought.  I had the thought to read spiritual things today, and to rest.


After praying the Rosary (together with Jack), we went upstairs to read.  I took out my work from my course on Spiritual Direction.  I finished an article on discernment, and started to look back at my notes.  I became distracted and felt tired, sleepy even.  I went back to bed (we had woken up at 5:30am).  I slept for almost 2 hours.  When I woke, Jack was preparing brunch for us.  My tea was ready, and I sat in front of the television watching the end of an action movie.  After lunch there was only 5 minutes left (of the movie) and again I went upstairs.  I had in mind to finish reading a book about Brother André.  I was at the part on virtues and found it uplifting, but I had put it aside.  I spent a little time in prayer.  Then I thought I should prepare supper, so that it would be ready when we came home from evening Mass.  I returned downstairs and turned on the television.  A comedy was coming on, I could cook and watch it at the same time.


It wasn't a "bad" movie, a little distasteful at times, but not a "bad" movie really.  I again became distracted and felt unhappy and dissatisfied.


While the chili simmered, we took our showers; then as I dried off I again felt sad, but this time to the point of tears.  What is happening to me Lord?  Am I too stressed? Is this a burnout?  I heard the words
'I know what is best for you'
and
'Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.' 
I then had the thought of choosing the better thing, and how I had woken with this thought in mind, to do spiritual reading.


As I began my examen, I felt no sense of God's love with me, could not feel His Presence.  I stretched to find a place He had blessed me in that day.  There were many, but I felt no joy at the thought of them.  As I looked back on my day, I saw how I had chosen a movie, not the best movie really, over reading a good book about a good man.  I saw how when I felt I should rest at times, I would plop down in front of the television and watch whatever, sitting there with my knitting.  I saw how I did not choose the better thing today, and how I was left feeling dry, dissatisfied, unhappy to the point of tears.  As I spoke to the Lord about this, saying that I was sorry that I had not chosen the 'better' thing, and asking him to help me, to bless me with the grace to choose the better thing tomorrow, I felt my Peace return, and a quiet Joy in my heart.
Thank you, Lord Jesus.  Amen.


O Christ Jesus
When all is darkness
And we feel our weakness and helplessness,
Give us the sense of Your Presence,
Your Love and Your Strength.
Help us to have perfect trust
In Your protecting love
And strengthening power,
So that nothing may frighten or worry us,
For, living close to You,
We shall see Your Hand,
Your Purpose, Your Will through all things.
 Amen.               by St. Ignatius of Loyola




 Ignatian Spirituality.Com, Introduction to Discernment of Spirits
http://ignatianspirituality.com/making-good-decisions/discernment-of-spirits/introduction-to-discernment-of-spirits/

Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius 313 through 336
Guidelines for Discerning Different Movements; Guidelines for a More Subtle Discernment of Spirits
http://www.nwjesuits.org/JesuitSpirituality/Exercises/SpEx313_336.html

What are the Spiritual Exercises?

Today I thought I would take you along with me on part of the journey I took five years ago through the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius of Loyola.  I would meet once weekly with Monica, my Spiritual Director during that time.  The journey begins in the Garden of Gethsemane and continues through to the Crucifixion, Death, and Resurrection of our Lord...the dated entries are excerpts from the spiritual journals of my prayer experience of that time...Thanks to Jesus Christ, who is the same yesterday, today, and forever, the reality of the Resurrection is ours as well.  So too is the Passion.


September 1, 2007, Garden of Gethsemane - Peace and Love My child.  These things are the fruits of prayer.  Nowhere else can this be found.


September 8, 2007 - You do not strive for holiness.  It comes as a result of My being in you.


September 9, 2007 - Everything that comes to me (suffering) is filtered through God's hand.  This is Grace.
I can offer it to Him to use as He will.  This also is Grace.  Through my suffering, the faith of others may grow.  It is not just about me (and my suffering).  This is Grace.


September 13, 2007 Matthew 27; Mark 15; Luke 23; John 19 - Jesus lives his Passion
a scriptural basis for prayer vigil
Write these words My child.  Keep watch with Me.  As in the Garden and as at the foot of the Cross.
Do not worry so about your attentiveness. As seen in the Scriptures this is the human condition.  But know this: I am there to call you back.  Prayer is of the essence.  In no way can man put his hand to the task without prayer.  Yet remember this: when in prayer you are not alone.  It is not only one voice, your voice, that speaks.  I also am there.  This is prayer: to seek the will of The One Who Saves, The Holy One, The Lord God Almighty.  I have given you example that so you also must do.  Now go to your day, and trust in Me.  For you are not alone.  Alleluia.  Alleluia.  The Lord has risen indeed.  Alleluia.


September 16, 2007 Matthew 27; Mark 15; Luke 23; John 19 - Jesus lives his Passion
Mary the Mother of God, Mary her sister and wife to Clopas, and Mary Magdalene, three women at the foot of the Cross.  In the darkest moment in history, there was ministry: Between sisters, between friends, to a mother, to a friend.  It is in the waiting before God that we discover the depth of who God is.  We suffer, but beyond the suffering, there is God.  Jesus suffered terribly.  But beyond his suffering, he found God, his Father.
The waiting, and what God does through Jesus in the waiting, is what comes to me.


September 18, 2007 (At the foot of the Cross) - First, I heard the shouting and jeering at Jesus. I thought, they don't understand that the Son of God is Divine.  He doesn't have to come down from the Cross.  Their jeers show the arrogance of what they think they are as human beings. (They think) they are better on the ground than he who is raised up on a Cross.
Then it was over.
They gave his body into Mary's arms.  The pain of tears came. The pain she feels in her heart to see her Son this way.  And then with others, Joseph of Arimathaea is there to take his body.  It is a somber procession, carrying his body, heavy and limp.  In the cold stone of the tomb they lay him.  The cold stone, the damp cold air of the garden near this stone. The smell of the night there, all these things come to me. We are sad.  We feel the loss.  I cry and cry for the pain she must feel.  I tell Mary I am sorry that my sin did this.
Then thoughts come of a living Jesus, healthy and dusty from the road, laughing, healing, feeding.  They talk about things he's done and the air feels a little lighter.  Mary comforts Mary Magdalene.  "This is not all there is, Mary, there is more. There must be.  We'll see him again."  Yes, she was the first disciple.
I can see this now because of my own mom.  She took each of us, one by one, her children, to pray at Dad's coffin.  Even in her loss, she cared for us.
O yes, Mary my Mother ministered to all who were around her.  She took my face in her hands at one point and said, "Yes, your years are wise, but you are still my child."  I could see my hair was grey, as it is now.  Thank you, Holy Mother.
The Lord speaks:  As you wait before me my child, in sorrow and in joy, I shall speak to you.  There is nothing that is hidden from my sight. I love you with a love that is everlasting.  This is why I have given you my Mother.  Trust in me and I will do this: I will grant you the desires of your heart.  Amen and Amen.  I will say it again. Amen.
Thank you Lord. My life is yours.  Do with me as you will.  In Jesus' Name, Amen.


September 19, 2007 - An awful scene before.  To take him down they would have had to remove the nails.  This wasn't easy I saw.  Then finally he's in his Mother's arms, bleeding, torn.  And Joseph of Arimathaea is there, with 75 pounds of spices. They carry his body limp, over the rough terrain to the garden where the tomb is.  They prepare his body, putting the 75 pounds of spices on it, treating him with dignity and tenderly, respectfully.  They wrap his body with the linen.  Then his head with another cloth, the spices on his head.
Before they do this, they tenderly wash away the blood and dirt to prepare his body for the spices.
Mary sits quietly in the tomb as they do this.  She puts her mantle over me.  She wraps me tightly. She keeps saying, "This is not over.  It is not the end.  There is more."  She takes comfort in me her child, in holding me.  Jesus has done this: Son, behold your Mother, Mother behold your child.  
DAUGHTER.
My mom took comfort in her children, and still does, when my father died.  She took each of us to the coffin to pray one last time with dad.  I can see Mary doing this, in the way she took comfort in me.
'It is not over' I keep hearing.


September 20, 2007 - First I am with Mary at the foot of the Cross and she comforts me, taking me again, pulling tightly her mantle around me.  At the tomb it is earthy, damp, cold.  I hear her talking to me.  She tells me that it is not just the loss, but the separation.  She keeps saying 'This is not the end.  There is more.'
I put my hands on the stone that covers the tomb.  It is hard and cold.  It separates. Mary tells me that even the Father is separated now.  'My God My God, why have you forsaken me?'
On the Cross it was not just the pain of physical suffering, she tells me, it was sin and sickness.  Evil was all around. This was the battle.  It was more than physical suffering.
I put my hands a few times on the stone, hard and cold.  This is what it is like to be separated from God.  This is the obstacle that is between us when we sin.
Mary puts her hand on my breastbone and explains these things to me.
How unworthy I am of this.


September 21, 2007 - The Lord speaks:  You are able to forgive because you have the Holy Spirit in you.  Before this, it would not have been possible.  See how harshly they judge.  This is because their hearts were hard.  Then I came and opened the way for all men. Now man can see.  And if he judges rightly, he shall live.  If not, he shall die.  But each man shall judge for himself.
I see the judgment seat and Pilate there.  The teachers of the law, the Pharisees, the Elders, all who know the Scriptures are there.  They keep shouting 'Crucify him!'  Pilate states the truth continually 'Here is your king.'  But they can't hear.
This is my judgement that Jesus is taking.  I ask him to forgive me.  If I stood in the heavenlies (before), I would be rightly judged this way.  Now I can be judged on the merits of Jesus.
The judgement was cold and harsh and clear, made with pain and love, before Christ.  Now there is joy in heaven, thanks to Christ.
For Jesus, it was cold, and harsh and clear.  Like a lamb led to slaughter on a cold stone, he says nothing.  Nothing in his defense.  Nothing.


September 22, 2007 - I am again with Mary at the foot of the Cross.  She calls me and opens her cloak to me.  She has Jesus on her lap. 'Come mourn with me' she says.  And opens her cloak to welcome me in.
Jesus' voice comes to me. "It is through the Holy Spirit she can do this."  Mary forgives me.  Jesus died for me and yet she welcomes me in to mourn with her.


September 23, 2007 - We are in a room.  Mary is there, waiting - she calls me to sit with her.  She is on a long bench near a table.  Mary her sister and Mary Magdalene is there.  "Let us talk of the things he did" says Mary his Mother.  Mary reminds us of the first time he ministered.  The Wedding at Cana.  I could feel the love and close bond between Mother and Son.  Still obedient to her, he waits for her to launch him into his ministry: 'Do whatever he tells you.'
Others will come to mourn with her, under cover of night, because they are afraid.
Mary Magdalene speaks of what he did for her.
Mary holds me tight to comfort me.  In comforting me, she herself is comforted.  I am also her child.  My mom took her comfort, and still does, in being with us.
Now I understand how Mary can love us.  She takes comfort in all her children.


September 26, 2007 - I am in the tomb.  There is light.  Jesus' body is no longer there.
I hear: 'A window of light has been opened between heaven and earth. And the stone is rolled away.'
The Lord speaks: 'Do you think that the stone needed to be rolled away so that I could be risen, or do you think that the stone needed to be rolled away so that you could see that I was risen?'


September 27, 2007 - In the tomb again.  It's quiet here - time to think.  The walls are cold and hard.
Jesus is not here.  This place is empty.  There is nothing here.
No Holy Spirit.
This is what it is like to be without the Lord.
I feel peaceful because I have the promise.  What about those who don't?


September 29, 2007 - I was in the tomb.  It was semi dark. The walls were cold stone.
Our hearts can be like this without Jesus I thought.  I also saw that the world was a cold dark place without Jesus.  I felt a Peace come into my being.


September 30, 2007 - I feel very peaceful. Not happy, but peaceful.  No more tears of sadness.  This is good.  Again I have the thought that without Jesus in the world, we are lost, and our sinful tendencies are hard to resist.  I feel ready for whatever is ahead.


October 1, 2007 - In the tomb again.  The disciples are there.  Then they are not.  Mary is there.  She is able to endure through the Holy Spirit.  They run away, can't bear it.
I need the Holy Spirit to endure.
Feeling pretty peaceful and subdued.  No joy, but peaceful.
It is done.


October 2, 2007 - The thoughts that came to me: Mary would know now the reality of the things she treasured in her heart.  She would also see that as Jesus healed bodies when he walked on earth, so he saves souls.  She would also know that she can't hold on to him for herself - that he was for the world.  She would also be given by Jesus an understanding of her new call as our Mother.  John, who wrote of this, was the one who cared for her as his Mother.  All that they had suffered, Mother and Son, was for this.


October 3, 2007 - I am in the garden near the tomb.  Mary is there and Jesus risen.  They greet with great joy, and he even lifts her up. There is glorious light shining from him and for a moment he dances around before her in joy like a child.  Jesus tells her that he is raising her to a new place and that "all these" are now her children and that we need her help.  Her work is not over.  He encourages her to encourage and pray for the disciples and to wait.  He does not leave them as orphans even now. She is filled with the Holy Spirit and she will encourage them.  Then they will all be filled - "Let your heart be one with mine" Jesus says and he encloses his Mother into his arms.  And hearts divine are close.  It occurs to me that Mary will be between 46 and 50.  So the grey-haired, little, weary woman is embraced, by her Son now risen.  It is filled with light in that place.


October 4, 2007 - Mary knew this moment for she had treasured up all these things in her heart.  "When he the Spirit of Truth comes, he will lead you into all Truth."
I knew when my job (at work) was being cut. God would not abandon Mary.  As she was filled with, overshadowed by, the Holy Spirit, the Spirit would lead her into all Truth.
Peace and Love.  Joy in the morning.  She was not surprised to see Jesus, because she knew these things in her heart.


October 5, 2007 - The Lord speaks: I am here Mother, but I am not here only for Myself.  There are these here with us now who need to be cared for and those who are yet to come. Life is bitter without me.  Yet you are with me now.  Do not fear.  I will never abandon you or forsake you.


October 6, 2007 -There is no greater joy than to see the Word of the Lord come to pass.  Mary and Jesus know this joy as they meet. Jesus and Mary gave example of suffering under the hand of God.  And now the pain is gone. There is much Joy and Peace as they meet.  And through the power of the Spirit Mary is given revelation for her own part.  She treasures these things in her heart.


October 7, 2007 - There is much joy as understanding comes. What Jesus has done has opened the way to salvation for many. Mary saw her Son suffer with Grace. Now she sees him in Glory. As a mother is proud of her Son, so Mary is pleased with Jesus.


October 8, 2007 - Write these words, my child. As I have gone through these things, my child, so I will enable you to endure as well.  There is glory in the waiting.  For I wait now to see all sons come into their glory. My mother was able to endure for my Spirit was within her.  So too you will endure, for my Spirit rests on you.  I know the times are hard, but joy will come, glory will come, in the morning.  Man lives on this earth as if he would never leave.  Yet know this: I am ever near.  Even in the passing. My Mother will endure until all sons come to glory, for she points the way to me.  'See my Son' she says.  'Pray to him. Ask him for patient endurance.'


October 9, 2007 - Again I see Jesus swinging his mother around him, as one would swing a child.  There is much joy between them.  He speaks to her at length as they walk along, things I do not know anything about.  He is revealing to her her part in the plan of salvation.  Much of this would come through, in John's Gospel.  There would be many years ahead, but she would be able to endure, for she understood the plan for her life in entirety now.  Trust and patient endurance. Both Mary and Jesus were blessed with these qualities, these Graces.
Trust and patient endurance.


October 10, 2007 - Even in the darkness, I could see the light. She would not have him with her as before, but now she knew what was ahead.  There is joy at seeing her risen Son.  But she was still limited to this place and this time.  What she knew in her heart she now knew to be true: it was not the end. But she still would need patient endurance, for not all would accept her Son. She understood as he spoke, of what was to come.
Our Lady of Sorrows.
The Lady of Fatima.
The knowledge of what was to come to mankind and her role as messenger who also would be rejected even in the eternal kingdom (Word in Revelation about Mary...a sign appeared in heaven...).
Patient endurance.


October 11, 2007 - The roles are reversed.  As a child he subjected himself unto Mary and Joseph, and went home with them (at twelve). Now she is listening as he speaks.  As Jesus gave instruction to Peter about feeding his sheep, so Jesus now instructs Mary. And this will continue until he comes again.


October 12, 2007 - Mary: "I put my hand on you.  I know you.  I know your struggle and I will not let you go.  I know you rejected me.  And I know now you welcome me. This world is a hard place, my child.  Not easy to walk alone. Stand firm.  Trust.  Patient endurance."


October 13, 2007 - Though there are tears in the night, joy will come in the morning.  Trust me my child. Trust me.  And I will do this: I will make your righteousness shine like the noonday sun. This is what I have done for my mother.  And I will do it for you.


October 14, 2007 - My life is yours Lord to do with as you wish.  I see what you have done for Mary, and I know you will do this for me. Only this I ask, for the Grace of patient endurance.  And for the Grace to trust in You.


October 15, 2007 - Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.  Psalm 30:5b
Contemplation on the Love of God
Take and Receive, prayer (see immediately below).
TAKE AND RECEIVE
Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will - all that I have and call my own. You have given it all to me.  To you, Lord, I return it.  Everything is yours; do with it what you will.  Give me only your love and your grace.  That is enough for me.


Write these words, my child. You do not yet understand. Your life is more than a series of planned prayer times.  Your entire life is a prayer to me.  Yet you do need to come before me, and you do.  If you feel a criticism of your times of prayer, who is it that comes to you?  For it is not I the Lord of Glory.  For I am well pleased my child.  Well pleased.


Thank you Lord for this new reflection, for the clear outline of how much you have blessed me, and for this prayer to recognize my gifts and to offer them to you for your use. I often pray: use me for the advancement of the Kingdom; my life is yours Thank you for this answer to prayer, this understanding of what to pray.
Thank you for the gift of prayer.


A brief description of the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius
Jesuit Collaborative: SPIRITUAL EXERCISES