What is Spiritual Desolation?

March 26, 2012 (journal entry of my examen prayer)


It is Sunday, a day of rest I thought.  I had the thought to read spiritual things today, and to rest.


After praying the Rosary (together with Jack), we went upstairs to read.  I took out my work from my course on Spiritual Direction.  I finished an article on discernment, and started to look back at my notes.  I became distracted and felt tired, sleepy even.  I went back to bed (we had woken up at 5:30am).  I slept for almost 2 hours.  When I woke, Jack was preparing brunch for us.  My tea was ready, and I sat in front of the television watching the end of an action movie.  After lunch there was only 5 minutes left (of the movie) and again I went upstairs.  I had in mind to finish reading a book about Brother André.  I was at the part on virtues and found it uplifting, but I had put it aside.  I spent a little time in prayer.  Then I thought I should prepare supper, so that it would be ready when we came home from evening Mass.  I returned downstairs and turned on the television.  A comedy was coming on, I could cook and watch it at the same time.


It wasn't a "bad" movie, a little distasteful at times, but not a "bad" movie really.  I again became distracted and felt unhappy and dissatisfied.


While the chili simmered, we took our showers; then as I dried off I again felt sad, but this time to the point of tears.  What is happening to me Lord?  Am I too stressed? Is this a burnout?  I heard the words
'I know what is best for you'
and
'Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.' 
I then had the thought of choosing the better thing, and how I had woken with this thought in mind, to do spiritual reading.


As I began my examen, I felt no sense of God's love with me, could not feel His Presence.  I stretched to find a place He had blessed me in that day.  There were many, but I felt no joy at the thought of them.  As I looked back on my day, I saw how I had chosen a movie, not the best movie really, over reading a good book about a good man.  I saw how when I felt I should rest at times, I would plop down in front of the television and watch whatever, sitting there with my knitting.  I saw how I did not choose the better thing today, and how I was left feeling dry, dissatisfied, unhappy to the point of tears.  As I spoke to the Lord about this, saying that I was sorry that I had not chosen the 'better' thing, and asking him to help me, to bless me with the grace to choose the better thing tomorrow, I felt my Peace return, and a quiet Joy in my heart.
Thank you, Lord Jesus.  Amen.


O Christ Jesus
When all is darkness
And we feel our weakness and helplessness,
Give us the sense of Your Presence,
Your Love and Your Strength.
Help us to have perfect trust
In Your protecting love
And strengthening power,
So that nothing may frighten or worry us,
For, living close to You,
We shall see Your Hand,
Your Purpose, Your Will through all things.
 Amen.               by St. Ignatius of Loyola




 Ignatian Spirituality.Com, Introduction to Discernment of Spirits
http://ignatianspirituality.com/making-good-decisions/discernment-of-spirits/introduction-to-discernment-of-spirits/

Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius 313 through 336
Guidelines for Discerning Different Movements; Guidelines for a More Subtle Discernment of Spirits
http://www.nwjesuits.org/JesuitSpirituality/Exercises/SpEx313_336.html